About
Suicide
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I.
Traumatic Grief - The Initial Impact
A. Symptoms of Trauma often Experienced After Suicide
1. Shattered sense of order and trust
2. Increased feelings of vulnerability
3. Difficulty sleeping and eating
4. Disorientation - feeling like you are in a fog
5. Flashbacks or intrusive recollections of
the trauma
6. Nightmares
7. Uncontrollable crying or intense anger
8. Feeling numb
9. Denial and disbelief
View White
Paper on Traumatric Grief
II. Coping with Suicide Loss - Complex Healing
Process
A. Beyond Surviving
No two people will grieve in the same way. Some will
find support groups helpful; others may rely on friends'
support. Some may turn to books; others may go to
therapy. Some may take weeks to get back to "normal
life"; others may find that life as they remember
it no longer exists and they need to redefine themselves.
Our response to the aftermath of suicide is shaped
by a number of things - past experiences with death
and loss, other current life stressors, our mental
health, our family cultural traditions, our relationship
with the deceased (e.g., strength of bond, presence
of conflict, etc.), the circumstances surrounding
the death, our support system, and our personality.
People feel a range of emotions in the aftermath of
suicide - not everyone will go through all of these
experiences and the length of each may differ, but
these are common emotional reactions that often come
like a tidal wave unexpectedly and repeatedly.
· Guilt and self-blame for not being able to prevent
the suicide
· Anger at the person who died, at the world, at God,
at yourself
· Experiencing suicidal thoughts yourself
· Depression and incredible sadness triggered by anything
from major life milestones to a song on the radio
During the healing process, it is important to be
patient with yourself and take each day as it comes.
Surround yourself with caring people who do not try
to fix things, but just listen without judgment. Set
limits and postpone any major decisions if you can
during this time. Basic self-care - eating, sleeping,
hydration - are very important to feeling more stable
and better able to handle the intense emotions. Avoid
alcohol abuse and other mood altering substances -
while they may alleviate the pain in the short-run,
they tend to exacerbate depression and pain in the
long run.
B. Coping with Holidays, Anniversaries and Birthdays:
New Traditions and Healing Rituals
With an empty chair around the table, important celebrations
can be particularly hard for suicide survivors. Before
the holiday arrives, talk with the family about the
expectations and consider creating some new traditions.
For some, it may be better to be all together while
others might prefer to be by themselves. Usually the
anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual
day. There is not a right way to approach these days
- find a way that works for you.
The death anniversary can also be a difficult time
for survivors. Many find comfort in participating
in some form of healing ritual of remembrance to honor
the life of the loved one. Rituals serve many purposes
for the suicide survivors. They make changes manageable
and mark transitions. Rituals communicate values and
beliefs while providing containment for strong emotions.
The power of rituals comes from the fact that they
often provoke deep emotional experiences that hold
a level of meaning that words cannot capture. These
practices may be done alone or with others: · Plant
a memorial garden or tree. · Dove release or balloon
release. · Candle lighting ceremony. · Write a poem
or letter and release it to the universe by burning
it.
III. Types of Survivors
A. Young Children Survivors
Children often experience the same range of emotions
that adults do; however, children have fewer tools
for communicating their feelings. They may act out
their feelings through play, art, and other nonverbal
communication. Even older children often lack a firm
concept of death as an irreversible process. Children
are especially vulnerable to feelings of guilt and
abandonment; they may feel that their bad behavior
caused the deceased to leave. Caretakers should work
toward assuring them that the death was not their
fault and that care and love will continue. Often
people feel that they need to protect children from
the truth about suicide - this may cause further complications.
Honest explanations (though not necessarily detailed)
about the situation and age-appropriate responses
are recommended. Allow them to memorialize the deceased
by letting them participate in funerals and memorial
services. Routines are very stabilizing for all children;
especially those dealing with trauma. Try to stick
to normal meal times and bed times and allow children
to see their friends and engage in regular activities
and let others who care for the children know of the
suicide.
B. Parent Survivors
Children are not supposed to die before their parents
- this is a worldview held by most, and when it is
shattered, it is devastating. The suicide of one's
child raises difficult questions, doubts and fears.
Many parent survivors are filled with feelings of
failure knowing that they were not able to save their
child. "If only" is a phrase that may reverberate
in the parents' mind. It is not uncommon for parent
survivors of suicide to experience thoughts of taking
their own lives. The stigma of suicide may lead some
parents to try to keep the cause of death a secret;
however, this may further complicate the healing process
and isolate parents from helpful support resources.
Rather, families can benefit by talking about death
with one another and with support systems. Some find
it helpful to write a letter to the deceased child,
expressing all the things they were not able to say
before the death. Support groups for parents and other
survivors can help provide on-going support when the
initial rally for help begins to fade.
C. Sibling Survivors
"Sibling survivors are often called the forgotten
mourners, " says author of "Do They Have Bad Days
in Heaven: Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling"
Michelle Linn-Gust.
· Siblings living at home will often "lose" their
parents for sometime as the parents try to cope with
the loss of the child that died.
· The sibling bond is often the longest relationship
we'll have in our lives, and thus, we witness more
life events with our siblings that anyone else.
· With 31,000 suicides per year, 24,800 people become
sibling survivors annually.
· Most siblings will carry this loss through their
lifetime as presence is missed for the remaining life
milestones we anticipating sharing with them. For
more information: (www.siblingsurvivors.com)
IV. Getting Support
Support from other suicide survivors is one of the
most powerful connections one can make in the aftermath
of a suicide. Many people find great relief in being
able to talk openly and honestly about the range of
complicated experiences they are going through with
people who really understand. Survivor support groups
offer a safe haven to share and build new healing
relationships. Some survivors go weekly; others go
when they need it most - around birthdays, anniversaries
and other difficult times.
V. Helping Survivors of Suicide:
What Can You Do? Suicide survivors often suffer in
silence. People often feel uncomfortable dealing with
death in general, and helping someone through the
aftermath of suicide often increases these feelings
manifold. Helping your friend or family member through
this tragedy may be the most important thing you can
do - by taking action you will help lessen the social
stigma the survivors are experiencing and move them
toward eventual healing.
Things to consider when helping suicide survivors:
· Ask the survivor what you can do to help and do
it. During the acute aftermath phase you can help
them in many concrete ways:
- Keep a list of phone calls, visitors, and people
who bring food and gifts
- Help keep the mail straight - bills, cards, newspaper
notices
- Offer to make calls to people they wish to notify
- Help with errands - walk the dog, shop for food
- Offer to help with documentation - for insurance,
newspapers, services
- Write down a story or create a collage of photos
about the deceased
· The emotional intensity of the grief is great. Survivors
may need to talk, cry, scream, or sit silently for
hours at a time. Repetition is part of healing.
· Listening with your heart and without judgment is
most helpful. You do not need to take the pain away;
your presence helps contain it.
· Use the deceased's name and ask for and tell stories
- hearing the name and remembering can be comforting
to the survivor.
· Don't worry about saying the wrong things; just
concentrate on what is being shared with you. Think
of yourself as someone who is walking with the survivor
not in front or behind.
· Give them permission to grieve.
· Clichés such as "Everything has a reason" and "Time
heals all wounds" are not helpful at this time.
· Be patient - grief takes its own course and may
go on for a long time. Often the support is most needed
after the initial chaos of the trauma has diminished.
· Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.
· Offer to help find support groups or other resources
such as books and pastoral care. The American Association
of Suicidology has a Survivors of Suicide Kit complete
with literature and a directory of suicide support
groups.
· Avoid statements like, "I know how you feel" - everyone
goes through this in a different way.
References:
American Association of Suicidology
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.survivorsofsuicide.com
"Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors" by Iris
Bolton
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